Self Forgiveness…
So I start yet again on the unluckiest of days. “Friday the 13th” which suggests bad luck or death of some sort. But the day went well. Helped out Jane moving some printer paper and some clothes to help Keith at Husky.
Aam ended up popping up sometime after the Las Vegas shooting to give you some timeline of where we are. It was a shooting from a hotel into a concert crowd. I would go more into it but I’m near numb to it because I think this was a year after the 2016 shooting in Orlando at a gay club called Pulse, and I’m in 2019 and there was a school shooting at a STEM school and even worse there was a shooting at New Zealand of all places and even worse a mosque where Muslims go to pray in peace. We can parallel that to the church shooting that happened in Charleston in 2015. Where there were thoughts and prayers BUT actual action in New Zealand by the Prime Minister less than a month after it happened. Where semi autos are now banned in New Zealand. Yet nothing happens in America but prayers #ThisIsAmerica. Its fucking infuriating. And if you are not and live in America, that is valid too because this shit happens way too often to keep reacting. You just become tired.
I really only think of Aam because she texted me when we were on speaking terms when some person at Ohio State University started to attack people and wanted to make sure I was alright which I was because I was like 2 hours away. But it’s crazy. Because when I talk to people online and I am not so geographically intelligent, I hear their state and think of them. And if there is even the slightest chance they were in danger, I would text him to be sure they were safe. Though I don’t do it with Cali because that state gets mad earthquakes and that’s too much pressure on my heart.
I remember doing that for one friend in Texas who I call the Texan, due to the flooding. Highwater pants would be needed there. A friend and an acquaintance in North Carolina because they were near the storm in Florida. One friend in Florida called Freckles because they were in the state where the storm was happening. And a few friends in New York because they got hit with mad snow and trains were shut down.
I remember texting Abeja about Aam which I found out they were no longer talking. So the culmination of being friends with both of them due to tumblr fucked that bond up. But I was out of the equation so whatever happened between them I can’t say was due to me. I think.
Me and Abeja are friends again given some emotional boundaries. Her talk of dating and adult exploits got a bit much to handle at the beginning. I still do not know how we got on that but I know my ass was not trying to hear all that. It is like a social taboo unless you are being petty with malicious intent. Granted I know that isn’t her M.O. I am still glad we are speaking terms again. Life was a lot more dull without her in it.
I don’t know when if I should ask about Aam. Took me over 7 months to text Abeja after the anxiety died down. It was just after Ramadan too surprisingly. I was not planning or thinking about that but I remember that for some reason. The anxiety constantly grows again with Aam and how things ended. I know I was at fault and when I cannot apologize or change anything I become stuck in place and ruminate. I think a friend told me to work through self forgiveness. Which I cannot fully grasp because it can become twisted.
Like if someone does a really bad thing to hurt others physically, mentally and/or emotionally and they go on this path of self forgiveness every time, I do not think its the same thing. It’s on the line of sociopaths when they are conscious of it. Because then you are just using it get your way and not apologize or change behavior. So even as I write this I know I was holding onto it all and really working to figure out if I can do that. With the amount of rumination and guilt I probably could but did feel I was entitled to it. Sad to say now, I feel less when I think of her not that the love is gone. But it requires so much energy to stay in that mindset.
I did end up making amends with Abeja which I am not going to publish but I remember going thru all the texts and realizing…I said a lot of asshole things that did not occur to me until I read them again months later. So becoming aware of that and realizing I even had more shit to apologize for was “fun”. Because I can’t do generic “I’m sorry”. I need to apologize with intention.And hopefully learn from it.
Still have not started the podcast back up.
I always think of “mangos” when I think of her and I can’t even remember where that nickname came from because I think we were talking about “Amma” (mother) because I said “Aam” (mango) incorrectly. I don’t think I have the tongue for it. Tried speaking to a friend from Maldives with a few words in Dhivehi and I couldn’t get the proper pronunciation down. It was met with more than a few laughs. So she will always be Aam in my contacts. Which is unfortunate because mangos come up a lot more than I was expecting. It’s the double edge sword when you give a friend a common nickname. It’s like “oh I was thinking of you when I saw this!!” message I send randomly during the day.
Breath is the power behind all things…I breathe in and know that good things will happen.
-Tao Porchon-Lynch
