Reaching Out
“Being the one always reaching out gets tiring…and old.” I read this tweet earlier in the week.
There is energy to take check up on others and it is not an always one time thing. It takes empathy, a trait needed today more than ever with the people practicing social distancing. Especially the ones who need that daily social interaction who are not introverted. Where we have more likely chance to run into a stranger than a friend. This is not high school where we are surrounded by people due to proximity but it doesn’t mean there is a closeness. It is a different kind of loneliness when negative thoughts creep in.
“Will I be missed if I am no longer here?”
Where as in college and real life, everyone says the thoughts count but the thoughts followed by the action matter more. There is a crucial difference. Say you are living with a loved one or random roommate. And they keep telling you they thought of doing the dishes or picking up a mess they created. But they never did. Those precious thoughts turn into resentment. I will not even get into working on group projects. Everyone have their own horror stories.
And I know it takes a lot more when one overthinks and has anxiety about bothering them over such a long period of time not talking to them. I feel that irrationally when I think of texting friends I have not spoken to in a long time. Even if we left on good terms at the end. Or letting the reply expand to the point it feels rude to reply back. I go through that when not replying back to family. That is something I am working on since for me, family will be there on the bad days even when friends cannot be.
Reaching out has many underlying meanings:
- Wanting to know the state of things.
- Noticing a lack of presence whether online or in person
- We notice a change of behavior whether positive or negative.
- We want you to sign up for a business idea they had.
- We want something from you.
- We miss the closeness.
- We want to apologize.
At its best, it shows a desire for connection with another person at some innate human level. Humans need that connection.
No man is an island. We are shaped by our experiences alone as well as with others.
When we are at peace enough to take effort to put our thoughts and needs second. The best example is a parent coming home tired and exhausted and still making sure their children are fed and clothed. It is that unconditional love that makes the world a better place. Yet we get that stunted level of attention because our parents should care about us. We hit skip on a call from a parent but when we reach out and they don’t pick up right away we feel hurt because they are not at our beck and call they have a life their own. A random quote I heard said “Children have known their parents their entire lives. Yet we are such a small part of theirs.” Perhaps its why we take them for granted because we expect them to always be there. So we can shift them to a different priority. We don’t see them as individuals but more for their role at times. “I am the center of your life.” But the world does not work like that even in a community where “I” is first before “we” and forgetting the pain of others. We do not always know how to take care of others because we think others should care for us the way our parents we lived with or the environment we have lived in. It goes back to the island analogy. It is not always about us.
Even if it is untrue, it leads to thoughts that you care more. When its a friend, an acquaintance, whether by social rules or past experiences. We can create excuses as to why to not talk to them. They haven’t reached out first. We see them on social media and see a happy post and think they cannot miss you if they are showing happiness.
Yet we know we can be on social media and feel empty. And have you ever tried to keep track of everyone? Even for an empath like me, that’s too much and I cannot see everyone’s facebook status, tweet, IG posting. That is impossible. It’s more likely I will see someone on twitter and if they are going thru something, Ill ask “what’s up” in a much more sincere way. But I know I can’t do that 24/7. It’s a shame that everyone cannot do that for a social network. We can’t always be within our group. Because that closes us off to the world and new experiences and new people. Even when its a stranger writing their depressing thoughts and we give them more space.
Yet we would not have thoughts like these when someone is going through grief. Our first thought is not if they really wanted to talk, they would talk to me. Or if they do not reply to you, we can only imagine sometimes they need time and space. We are being polite and sometimes over polite when they could use someone closer to them.
When we have a lot going in our lives that we may not have the emotional/mental space to be there for someone, passing a kind word to acknowledge them can feel a lot. Just to say they know the pain they are going thru is relatable and we want to be there for them.
Thanks for reading if you made it this far. This feels kinda like a garbled mess so I am getting back into the swing of writing/editing my thoughts every few days and posting on a weekly or bi weekly basis as I see fit.
I hope this post left you feeling bold enough to reach out to others whether for comfort or to see if they are doing well. I know I do it at times. Where
